The time was a few years back and I saw still in college. I bumped into an excited Suresh. I asked him what his excitement was all about.
“Lisa blew her balloon at me!” he said. “And then she gave me a dazzling smile!”
I looked at Suresh’s face. Underneath the deep tan I actually could see him flushing. I still could not understand the balloon part of his comment. So I asked him.
“She was chewing gum and had blown a balloon so big and was clearly enjoying the moment”, Suresh said. Then she looked at me. I must have stirred her soul or something because the next moment she had lost her concentration and popped the balloon! I immediately sensed an opportunity and asked her if I could see her for a few minutes at the library today evening. I know she studies there during the evening. And she said Yes!
“I need your help!” Suresh pleaded with me. “I don’t want to blow this great opportunity. Lisa is a blonde goddess and one day I shall build her a temple in my home village in India. Please help me get to first base!”
As much as I would like to help Suresh, I had to be truthful with him. I did not have good experience in the dating department. I suggested that we go see Mr. Varadarajan. He was a PHD student and had lived in Iowa City for 3 years. He clearly will know what to do!
So we made the trek to Mr. Varadarajan’s apartment. We made small talk while Mr. Varadarajan made us some Indian tea. As we sat drinking tea Mr. Varadarajan said he needed more information.
“So, specifically what is your intent?” he asked Suresh. “Do you want to have intercourse with Lisa?”
This question flustered both Suresh and me. I had no doubt that Suresh’s intent was entirely honorable and he merely wanted to be Lisa’s friend. A few years worth of wooing, I figured, might land him a home run with Lisa.
“Oh, no! Oh, no!” said Suresh. “All I want to do is to be her friend! In time I want to marry her and produce many kids!”
Mr. Varadarajan seemed to understand Suresh’s motive. However, he was a little disappointed. “I had a few strategies for you to try if you wanted to have intercourse with her”, he muttered under his breath. “Now they will continue to remain untested!” And then Mr. Varadarajan contemplated the situation for a few minutes as he sipped tea.
“Did you not tell me you had brought several works of art from India to give to your friends here?” He asked Suresh. When Suresh nodded Mr. Varadarajan continued. “Take a bag full of Indian goodies with you to the library and keep giving Lisa one goodie after another until she succumbs!”
I was impressed. The man really knew his material. It had occurred to me that all the time I was in Iowa City; I had never seen Mr. Varadarajan with any female. But then I had not followed the man around all the time and for all I knew he had a stable full of women that dated him.
So we sent Suresh to his adventure with Lisa. I had to wait until the next day to get a phone call from Suresh. He appeared extremely excited. He informed that Mr. Varadarajan’s suggestion had worked wonderfully with Lisa. As he was handing one goodie after another to Lisa she had asked him to cut the time short and taken his entire bag of goodies. Suresh felt that a friendship with Lisa was definitely worth the entire bag of goodies. She had given him what he called a “bear hug” and the smell of her intoxicating perfume had made him weak and he had nearly fainted. That night he had spent playing Indian love songs by the then famous singer, Kishore Kumar.
The next evening I was hanging out with Mr. Varadarajan at his apartment as he prepared a delicious Indian meal. There was a knock on the door and we opened to see Suresh. He was jumping up and down like an energizer bunny. He said that Lisa had met him and given him his empty bag back. Inside that she had told him she had written him a note. He wanted to open the note in our combined presence.
“Tell me, Suresh” said Mr. Varadarajan looking very thoughtful. “When Lisa gave you a hug did her bosoms touch your chest?”
“Ohhhh!” said Suresh. “They did and I thought I had died and gone to heaven!”
Mr. Varadarajan appeared quite proud. “When you know ‘em you know ‘em!” he said. “Now let us open Lisa’s love letter to you and see what words of romance she has written!”
We opened Lisa’s note and it read as follows.
“Hi ya Sureesh!” “Thanks so much for all the stuff! I love it very much! If it is no trouble here are a few other things you can get me from India. There are a couple of things my boyfriend Bob wants as well. He can’t wait to meet you and thank you for all this! XOXOXO – Lisa”
Few Bars of Mysore Sandal Soap
Bottles of Men’s cologne that has Sandalwood extract
1 dozen handcrafted Indian bangles